We jump right into things and much of it appears how we left it at the end of Season 3. Lauren and Whitney are hanging up clothes at People's Revolution. Lauren talks about how she scored herself a date with her own high school leftovers, Doug. Whitney remarks that Doug is a funny name. I kind of giggle. Because it is. I am married to a Doug, btw. The show is a quick mess of Lauren's date, Audrina's birthday party where Lo all but acts like the world's most humongous biznatch, Lauren trying to figure out how Lo and Audrina can patch up their rift, Heidi's 40 year old "sister" coming in town for a visit, Spencer acting douchier than ever and the abysmal bomb of an attempt at friendly conversation between Audrina and Lo that ended with Audrina growing a set and saying "we'll never be friends" to which Lo scurries off to play with the dog some more because no one likes her. And can we all please ban together and write emails to MTV to ask them to please spare us next week of the hideous Taco Bell rapping commercial that I swear played 59 times during the show? Worst. Commercial. Ever. Except for maybe this one. So anyway, this is what I took away from The Hills this week.
1. Whitney has all kinds of emotional range. Here she is, taking a break from asking plot moving questions like "How was your summer" and "What did you do this weekend?", to feign excitement over LC going on a date. Whit, I dig your orange nails, girl, and your eyebrows are impeccable.
2. How old are we to believe Heidi's sister is? 40? I do appreciate her keeping true to what the Montag's (not Dr. Raj) gave her but ,honey, you look like a down and out waitress in Vegas in a bad Lifetime movie.
3. Heidi hates her sister. And probably anything from her down home Colorado life that interferes with her big plans to "make it" in Hollywood.
4a. Lauren is hoping that Doug will be the guy to break her "one date" slump with.
4b. I'm guessing the odds of this are slim when old Doug starts off the conversation with "So what have you been up to for the past four years?" Um, pumpkin, have you been in a coma for the last four years? You honestly have no clue? Here's a tip, don't mention the words "sex tape". Which brings me to my next take away...
5. If you have been absentee and know nothing of Lauren's life, as you claim to Doug (if that is in fact your real name), how did you manage to go to the Lakers game with Frankie the next day dressed as Tweedledee and Tweedlegay in your matching Lakers gear like total BFFs?? I am calling bullshit.
6. Lo is snobby bitch who hates Audrina and her pink mohawk wearing friends. Displeased with the congregation in her backyard for Audrina's birthday party, Lo says "I guess we'll just have to enjoy the company that comes." Um, Lo, you should move to PassiveAggresiville. I am pretty sure you would be their queen. PS- Why is your hair always greasy? Wash that shit.
7. Lo's bitchiness and unwillingness to participate in the birthday party took its toll on Lauren's 'do. The more she looks like she is going to cry the more frizz action the top of her head sees.
8a. Heidi pretends to be sad to see the sister that she didn't even want to see go.
8b. But not before fugging up her hair with the worst hair extension job I have ever seen. Seriously, Britney's rats nest is more flattering than that mismatched, lifeless Jessica Simpson hair in a box for $49.99 job.
9. Whitney can't even pretend to be interested anymore. I'm sure as she sat there, bored to tears with another one of Lauren's jr. high problems to listen to, she was secretly saying a prayer that her own series gets green lit.
And there you have it. All in all, it was a decent episode. I always maintain that the first episode of a season is never that great because a. you put too much pressure on it to be awesome and b. it is the season "set up" episode. I can't wait to see how things unfold with Lauren and Doug, if Heidi's sister makes her way West permanently, if Lo can finally get rid of that grease out of her hair and that bug up her ass and if Audrina stays in the back house at Chez Conrad. What can you not wait for this season???
26 comments:
I loved Lauren's hair at that fake Malibu party or whatever. I was impressed.
Is it wrong that I secretly love Lo? She is a HUGE bitch but she cracks me up, though I agree she needs to "wash that shit".
i totally thought that about doug when he asked if lauren and audrina were friends at dinner--even my 3 year old knows that they are tight.
i think, though, that i might enjoy your weekly wrap-up more than the series itself.....legit.
thanks for doing what you do best!
Best.recap.ever.
What can I not wait for this season? UHHHH YOUR RECAPS!!!!
My new drinking game where you have to drink a shot every time Heidi plays with her hair and Spencers flesh colored beard. Can't get enough of that.
I lost it at "The more she looks like she is going to cry the more frizz action the top of her head sees"
Your recap is perfection!
Great recap! I think Lo is such a beyotch even though Audrina bugs me with those fake teeth. That was so fake when "Doug" asked Lauren what she had been up to for the last four years. Has he never watched tv or read a magazine in these last few years. Anyway, glad it's back and faker than ever.
Fantastico, Paige! I too am most looking forward to your recaps. Calling Lo out for the true biznatch (haha) she is--AWESOME.
I also enjoyed the bullshit that was "what have you been doing for the past 4 years" and Doug showing up with Frankie, total besties.
I also vote that your recaps are better than the actual show.
So, do you think the absence of Lo at the party means that she was a fatality in the Audrina/Lo smackdown?
dude, heidi's sis is BEASTLY!!
also, anyone else notice that when LC is out on a date she totally geeks out? smiles and tilts her head to the side a la my cocker spaniel puppy... i just want to shake her and say "your not being sexy or coy... you look like a complete ASS!
Sarah Danielle, my husband was mocking Lauren for doing that. LOL! She does it every time she's on a date.
Paige, I love your recaps! They are spot on and hilarious.
So Doug and Frankie..I did some investigation. Doug just moved to LA, he just graduated from college. Not sure how he knows Frankie, but I think all the playas' hang in "the hills"
http://dougreinhardt.com/
oh yes he did!
anonymous, i love you for that link. it is perfection. everyone go right now.
in his links section there is a person you can contact for appearance requests. um. why would you request this guy for anything?
Did anyone else think it was totally CRAZY when LC starting begging for a 2nd date before Dougie even came to pick her up?? No wonder she can't keep a guy around...she's nutzo!!
i love the hills -- totally my monday-night guilty pleasure. great recap -- i laughed out loud at "wash that shit."
your blog is great! i'm definitely going to be checking back.
You rock!
ok. please tell me why miss-negative-greasey-hair Lo is on this show, she's so clearly NOT a "Hills" type of gal. She needs to learn how to "roll with it".
Thank God you wrote that run down because I can't get The Hills here and I am DESTROYED! I will live vicariously through your bloggy my dear because I too, am totally obsessed!
I hate that I know this, but it wasn't Raj who did Heidi's nose and boobs...it was a Dr. Ryan, I believe.
Yeah, I've lived in L.A. too long...
hahaha
you are seriously so funny.
best calls in your recap.
Ok... don't hate...
But, I am sooo team Lo..
Is that bad? Horrible???
I think Audrina is the most annoying girl on the planet and if I were Lo I would hate her ass too.
Love your recaps, like big time.
xo!
i LOVE your recaps!!
Just clicked over from Mindi's blog and I seriously think you could put Perez Hilton out of a job. You so funny girl. I'll be stopping by often to see what else you have to say about my favorite trainwreck of a show! :)
ok, I loved your re cap, I'm still giggling. That premiere was classic, Whitney is the glue that keeps the show together! Lo is my new fav. person to hate and love at the very same time because she causes so much drama!
thank you for that re-cap...i almost peed my pants laughing
I'm a total slacker bitch. I'm going to quit giving my own recap and just come read yours, you're awesome!
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