What I Took Away From The Hills This Week

This episode of The Hills was a dud. There. I said it. Me. The girl who clears her schedule a good 30 minutes before the show actually comes on in order to prepare for its awesomeness. But alas, Lauren and crew let me down. I was almost over the episode before the episode itself was done and trust me, that hurts. How many birthday parties are we going to suffer through this season? So far, two episodes, two birthday parties. I guess I wasn't aware that this season was titled "That Year We All Got A Year Older."


1. Lauren is Yoda. I mean, the girl really has some zinger advice, does she not? "I don't know if it follows them so much as they chase it." Beautiful. Eloquent. My next tattoo it is.


2. Doug is a total dolt. He tells Lauren she looks pretty nine different ways in one sentence, tells her to skip work so he can take her to Cabo and then is forced to be Whitney for a second and ask her how things are with Lo and Audrina. While he pretends to listen and care he gives his best Blue Steel. Go to Doug's website (oh yes, there is a website) and one needs to look no further for Doug's motives here. To be famous. He even has a management company that can take request for appearances. Pretty ambitious for a sidekick's (Frankie) sidkekick.


3. Chiara!!! This episode is owned by the second tier sidekick. It appears that Chiara got bangs – and they soften her. Even when she says she will beat Lo's ass. Softer. I also adored her awkward brown hairs versus the blonde hairs declaration because let's be honest, the word brunette is way overused.


4. Hi, we're important. Not really, that is really just Satan calling to tell them that their payment went through and he now officially owns their souls in return for making them famous. Turns out Satan is not much of a manager based on Heidi's recent foray into music.


5. Spencer is such a little bitch. Get over who your sister's friends are already! Why do you hate LC so much? Didn't Heidi pick you? Shouldn't you give it up already? EVERYONE HATES YOU!!!


6. This picture of Heidi scares me. Is she planning some monster "Carrie" moment for Stephanie's birthday to remind her who butters her bread or can she simply no longer register emotions on her face?


7. Kelly Cutrone scares the hell out of me and if I were ever in her presence I would fake laugh at whatever thing she said just like Whitney is doing here. That is such an I'm uncomfortable smile. Cute headband though. Oh and little Jessica who got the boot from People's Revolution. She ain't taking it lying down.


8. Heidi and Spencer roll up on Stephanie's bday party and Lo and Lauren do a bad job of playing cool. Lo's lopsided Princess Leia hair do was abysmal. As was her make up. Sometimes she looks like this.


9. Spencer has never looked happier. He just all but ruined his sister's party and he is thrilled. Homeboy is so self-centered it is scary. And where is his facial hair???


10a. Spencer has the audacity to compare him and Lauren to Israel and Iran. Yes, Spencer you so have things in perspective here. You guys are totally the symbolic representation of the tension in the Middle East. Thank you for teaching us all something. And the facial hair is back!!!!


10b. Stephanie is all "Iran who?" I mean, giver her a break. She's in fashion school.


11. Is there no screening process for fashion school? Stephanie should be expelled for her mop alone. Jesus, lady, it is called a bad hair day. Buy a scrunchie to go with the sad 80's ensemble and call it a day.

And that people, is what I took away from The Hills. No birthday party in next week's episode forecast so already it is going to be a better episode. And the return of Heidi's sister!!!!!!!